I was trying to paint a picture today, but seems the color i was using was just a pigment of my imagination...

 

Once in a while the spirit of Jackie mason comes over me, my shoulders go up, my hands go to the sides in the known Hebrew- Italian palms up formation and I start talking with heavy accent of a geriatric Jew.

 

 

You cant sell news stories that have data and cautious predictions. Where is the panic? Where is the impending doom? C'mon people , give me something to work with here…

    Opinions / Science / Theory of Relative Ignorance  

Jackie Mason - An old jew

Once in a while the spirit of Jackie mason comes over me, my shoulders go up, my hands go to the sides in the known Hebrew- Italian palms up formation and I start talking with heavy accent of a geriatric Jew. And then I am funny. Ok, maybe not funny but I do entertain myself.
 
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
 

Something in that whole ethnic ultra racist laughable persona is just built for telling jokes. Get a young handsome 'wasp' guy to tell jokes and you will find yourself in a worse hell then being stuck in a Christian rock concert. Talk about purgatory.

 
 

And Jackie got it all. He's short, he's chubby, he's good looking if you are blind, the room is completely dark and he has a sky mask on, and he is old. (I already mentioned the Jewish part right?)

 

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.”

 
All this packaging gives a special kind of humor, a self deprecating, bitter sweet hysterically funny sad observations about life. He is what woody Allen always wanted to be. He is the quintessential Jewish humor machine and he is riding forward with the tenacity of someone who heard 'no' for fifty years and now is back with a vengeance and the same old jokes that were once unacceptable.
 
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
 

And Jackie was a rabbi. No, really. He WAS a rabbi. Then he became a comedian. Moved from the ridiculous to the hilarious I guess. But he still has a small rabbi inside him, and his humor is all encompassing, with useful advice on all aspects of life.
Marriage is always a good part of Jewish humor (personally I got married a couple of years ago, just so I can start jokes with "my wife always says…")

 

jewish wife? The only way to make her happy is by passing away immediately"

 

Thank god there are so many things to complain about in this world, otherwise how WOULD an elderly Jew pass the time? And as we know health is a favorite subject among the Miami-bound Israelites who seek the warm air and the 4pm dinner specials.

 
In my age ,It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like. "
 
But who can complain about health all day? Who has the time? And besides, the older you get, chances are more and more of your friends will get something that is much more impressive than your ailment, and we can't have that happening. Now can we…

can always complain about money and work if you have some spare time. Here is what Jackie mason thinks about people like bill gates.
You know what the Jew's say about bill gates?
 

He got lucky. He bumped into computers so he made money. If I bumped into a computer I'd make the same money, I got time to hang around with computers? I'm busy. I sell shirts."

Gentiles can't even imagine that much money, one hundred billion dollars it's an inconceivable number to them. You know what the Jew's say?

"One hundred billion... What do you think it's a lot of money today? Years ago it was a lot of money but not today a hundred billion... How long is it going to last? Two, three, four hundred years?".

 
Riches come, riches go, and even gentiles can have a flook once in a while if they are lucky and standing next to a Jew, But in the end of the day, like the old Jew in the hospital, who's nurse fixes his pillows and asks him "are you comfortable", you just sigh and say "yes meidale', I make a nice living"
 

Royal opera house - http://youtu.be/O79mx7HTzcY
Jewish husbands - http://youtu.be/6aJ63JhvpTA