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Light and love to you brother. Welcome to our crystal powered channeling of cosmic energetic beings from future past out of space. Let me just light up this incense as I rub this blessed moisture cream on your forehead to open your third eye.
Or something to that effect.

 

 

You cant sell news stories that have data and cautious predictions. Where is the panic? Where is the impending doom? C'mon people , give me something to work with here…

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The New age curse - A Religious buffet

Light and love to you brother. Welcome to our crystal powered channeling of cosmic energetic beings from future past out of space. Let me just light up this incense as I rub this blessed moisture cream on your forehead to open your third eye.
Or something to that effect.

I love new age. It's the blond religion.
The religious buffet of mambo jambo I-once-read-a book philosophies mixed with a bit of hippie blood and a lot of asshole.

Why am I being so mean, you might ask. Or, on the other hand, If you have ever read anything I wrote, you would already know I am mean because it is my job. And I am mean because new-age is the refuge of not only the feeble minded, but the lazy.

And if there is one thing I don’t like is lazy. You want to do nothing as a habit? More power to you, along as it’s a decision. And the new-age decision is to deny the responsibility without even paying the price of being religious.

What is called in the marketing jargon – to go with and to feel without. Oh, sorry, in this case it is definitely to go without and to feel with…to go without any firm belief that doesn’t change with every new wind flow, without any real spiritual work, without any commitment but feeling with all the secrets of the universe.
New age to real belief and spirituality is what guitar hero is to Stevie ray Vaughn. It is not even funny.

Now, I might be a bit more forgiving, if new age was really all about love and light and all that crap they say all the time. (and don’t get me wrong, I love love, and you often see me going around the house hysterically looking for a light. I just don’t talk about these things much)

But new age has been transformed from the age of Aquarius dreamy children free love flowers jeans long hair pretty phenomenon to the tool number one in the arsenal of assholes as an excuse to why they are assholes.

I know its your sister, but we had such a connection and it was our bodies one with the universe, I wasn’t cheating on you. No, I didn’t use a condom….we were floating…

New age contains the freedom to selfishly choose the parts of the rule book you feel are good for you, and disregard the rest without any real reason or thinking.
I have the freedom to choose.
yes you do.

and if you use that freedom to choose the selfish egocentric parts of your childish spiritual arsenal I have the freedom to say you are an idiot, so it works out in the end.

Or maybe I am just hard on them because it is usually people with great ignorance and superficiality that walk around like Buddha himself is inside their ass making the sun shine with a dynamo operated bicycle .

I am not free of being one of them at times.
I read the horoscope every day. I admit it.
it’s a schrodinger's cat thing. Or a quantum parallel universe thing, up to you.

I read at least three different horoscopes.
and then I choose which one is going to be correct for today.
technically I should use many more horoscopes to make it really interesting, but the amount of energy I put into it is more than I am willing to spare as it is.

And I feel better. I know the stars can't be wrong. Right?
The stars, the hand, the oil, the bones, the coins, the maps, the…everything is just telling us the future all the time. It used to be something rare, but now I am sure you can do a reading over an old sock and people will come.


I once trying reading coffee. Saw what was written and got the shock of my life.

4.90 for a Grande?! Last time I go to Starbucks…

People need to know. What do you mean it is the future and it is not certain and everything is possible, what kind of answer is that? Am I going to get married or not?

It’s the same level of being afraid of the dark.
you are not really afraid of the dark.
you are afraid of the things you don’t know are out there.

you NEED to know.
And the soothsayer needs to pay the rent.


The beauty of this business is that it is perpetual. It never ends. My mother didn’t want me to be a doctor. She wanted me to be a dermatologist. A skin doctor. Her brilliant rationalization was that the patients are never cured, but they are not dying. Now that is a good business plan.

You have to read the horoscope every day, buy new amulets as you get bored with the old ones,  and support the incense and scented candle industry that has not seen such growth since 1969.

Crystals vibrate softly. Purifying the air.
The color of your aura tells me you are a very sensual person… I can see you are very comfortable with your body…

I am sorry, whenever I start talking new-agish I immediately start looking for someone to sell something to or to fuck. Its an instinct from the good old days. At the end somebody will be screwed.

and yes, new age does get you laid.
In strange yoga positions, but its still something.

The really nice thing about new-age sex? Afterwards, when she wants to talk, I just look in her eyes and say : "I am not sorry for this, but I need pure silence now to connect with the experience my love" turn over, and fall asleep…

I like incense. I love candles. I enjoy sitar music.
really. I have a collection of fisherman pants and even a couple of tie-dyes.

it’s a life style choice.
One goes ikea, the other goes bamboo.
same difference.

But one thing it is not.
anything spiritual.
and it is definitely not a substitute to the morals and social structure a religion should provide.
And now?

Now go away.
Now I need my pure silence to connect with the experience of writing this.